(This is just some thoughts I’ve needed to get off my chest. Mini rant about to ensue…)
No one really tells you that being a mom is hard. Sure they tell you that you will be sleep deprived, and unable to remember things, and that your baby will rule your days at least in the beginning, but they don’t really say that it is going to feel like an insurmountable hardship that you just want to walk away from sometimes.
Or maybe that’s just how I see it.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Little Bean. I love her possibly more than anything besides her father and our Father in heaven. But being her mom is hard. I was prepared for being sleep deprived and having to take her with me all the time because I was breastfeeding, but then when it actually happened I realized that I wasn’t prepared. At all. In fact, most of the fibers of my being were straining to try and run in the completely opposite direction. I wasn’t prepared to have to stop being me and start just being Mom.
I wasn’t prepared that breastfeeding meant physical and emotional pain when it wasn’t working out right. Or when we got thrush. Or when my Raynaud’s spread to my nipples. (Not cool.) Or when I wake up for the umpteenth time with a soaking wet shirt from leaking and feel like I am nothing more than a milk factory and I will never be anything more than that again. (Over dramatic? Possibly, but at 2am it feels like the only possibility.)
I wasn’t prepared that I would have to be her everything. (Don’t get me wrong D helps out a LOT. But I stay home with her all day so it is hard to feel like I really get a break even when he takes her so I can take a shower or go for a run.) I didn’t realize that being a mom meant you have to feed, bathe, clothe, wash, change, amuse, and carry your baby seemingly all at the same time. It seemed simpler somehow. Not like how it is.
There are times when I really just wish I could give her back because I feel so inadequate to take care of her, I feel like I will never be the mom she deserves. But I would never do that. Because she is MY Little Bean. She is MINE. She is a part of me, and I love her so much that it hurts. And that love keeps me getting up in the morning. Keeps me changing my shirt in the middle of the night for the umpteenth time. And it keeps me smiling and singing back at her when she looks at me with that half smile-half smirk of hers.
Motherhood is so dang hard. But it is so dang awesome too.